Feeling lost

This post isn’t going to be about TTC.  This is about something that I can’t talk to anyone around me about.

Six days ago today, I lost my father.  A week ago today was the last time I will ever hear him say “I love you.”  Lung Cancer is a bitch.  It took my father.  It took my heart.

We didn’t have the greatest relationship.  I know now that that was mainly on my part.  I didn’t call enough.  I didn’t visit enough.  I didn’t put enough into it.  It’s not becuase I didn’t want to.  It’s because I have never felt wanted.  I have always felt he loved me, but only because he felt like he had to.  But, being the last time he ever said those 3 words was to me, it opened my eyes.  I now know that he didn’t know how to love me.  Maybe I didn’t know how to do the same in return.

The days now are darker.  I can’t breathe without thinking about him.  I close my eyes, and I see him.  I hear his voice in my head as I’m going to sleep.  Every thought is him.  I have never missed anyone so much.  He took a huge part of me when he left.  It’s a big part that will never be repaired.  No baby, no person, no nothing can fill this void.

 

I love you daddy, and I will always remember the fishing we did, and your crazy stories.  Your grandchildren will grow up to know you as the man I loved.  ❤

Hello world!

Hello world.  I’m Tanya.  I’m 30 years old, a mom of 2, wife, and on a mission.  I have learned that some things don’t come as planned.  As did neither of my first 2 children.  I wasn’t ready for them, but now I’m ready.  My body just isn’t.  My husband, whom I will call Mr. K in this blog, has been ready longer than I have.  See, he doesn’t have any children of his own.  Our children came from my first marriage.  I feel like sometimes he feels cheated because he didn’t make them with me.  No, I don’t feel this way.  They are his just as much as mine.  He is the one they call “Daddy”.  He attends the school functions.  He supports them.  They’re his.  But, this is not why I’m here.  I’m here to document our journey into making a life of our own.

 

Mr. K and I have been married since June 2009.  We have never used any kind of protection, so I think a baby has always been a welcomed idea.  We decided that if it were to ever happen, we would just let it happen.  It was meant to be.  Now, we wonder if it was meant to never be.

In my desperation, I am now on 500mg of Metformin that I take daily.  I took 50mg of Clomid on Cycle Days 2-6.  I have taken Mucinex to help produce more cervical mucus, and used Instead Cups after Mr. K and I do the deed.

So, today I am on Cycle Day 13.  I have had lots of pain in the last few days.  I’m pretty sure I’m ovulating, or getting ready to.  Today’s CM (cervical mucus) is creamy/eggwhite.  The last few days it’s been watery.  Hope that means something significant.

This is all I have now.  To anyone that reads this, I thank you for sharing my journey.